Spoiling a child is not love
Most parents fall in love with their children the moment they are born. We have a fierce instinct to protect our children from anything that can be harmful to them, and we want to show our children that they are loved by their parents. However, these instincts need to be regulated by goals of our children’s long-term welfare, or we risk having them grow up to be self-centred or attention-seeking adults.
Some who were spoilt as children perhaps learn to be less self-centred as they mature in life. However, there are some who stay attention-seeking as adults, with highly negative consequences on themselves and on those they affect directly or indirectly. The scenarios I describe below may sound extreme; however, they are not only probable, but also real situations which I have observed. For the ease of narration, I will use the feminine pronoun.
People who have been spoilt since young are used to having whatever they want and having things their way. As a result, they may grow up to be self-centred and not considerate of others’ feelings and interests, and even rights as human beings. They may do things with nary a care of the other person’s feelings and rights, such as taking over somebody else’s possessions without asking, just because she liked the design of the handbag. They may also demand something through their over-doting parent, even if the object of demand rightfully belongs to its owner. The overindulgent parent in turn may demand the object and get it for his adult child, as has been the pattern for all the child’s life. And if the demand is refused, the rightful owner may be accused of being ungenerous. Such a scenario may sound far-fetched, but it is one I have seen happen.
A spoilt child may continue to be attention-seeking as an adult. Having been used to being pampered and mollycoddled all her life, she may always want attention to be on her all the time, and may use crocodile tears in certain situations to get pampering or mollycoddling even as an adult. If the onlooker sees through her attention-seeking ways and does not pander to them, she accuses the person of being uncaring or lacking in compassion, either directly or by complaining to others. And of course, those who want to pamper or mollycoddle her would also accuse or judge the person similarly. Alas, if the attention-seeking person is vengeful and a gossip as well, what falsehoods she would spread of the person. Her listeners, who may not have seen through her attention-seeking ways or pretentions, would not know the truth, and may believe her words and sympathise with her. And thus she gets the attention, pampering and mollycoddling she desired.
A child who is mollycoddled even when she has been wrong in her speech or behaviour may become an adult who does not reflect on her own speech and actions, and only focuses on how people do not give her what she wants. Instead of reflecting on whether she has done wrong to the other person, she may accuse the other person (if not directly, then by gossiping to others) of being distant or unfriendly. A similar scenario then happens when her listeners believe her and sympathise with her against the other person.
In a more extreme scenario (but which has been observed in a real situation), an adult who has been mollycoddled all her life may exaggerate or worsen her situation just to get attention. Where crocodile tears have not worked, she may intentionally worsen her situation, fake a situation, or purposely get herself into a scrape in her bid to get attention. So again when someone sees through her wiles and ignores them, she may gossip to others who would believe her accusation that the other person lacks compassion.
Strangers in society may also get the brunt of her self-centred demands. She may be unreasonable and overdemanding in a store, till the salesperson has to get help from her manager to handle her. She then basks in the exclusive personal service rendered by the manager — attention sought and given.
If a spoilt child grows up to be self-centred and attention-seeking, and the over-doting parent mollycoddles her even when she is an adult, the question is how she will live her life when this parent passes on. Being so used to having her way, she will most likely continue to be attention-seeking. She may wallow in self-pity over her grief, and the cycle continues if a relative takes over the mollycoddling. If she sees that she can continue to enjoy such pampering, she may continue to wallow in self-pity, whether genuine or not, and may even exaggerate or purposely worsen her state of well-being so as to get even more pampering from all sources, with grief as her defence.
The scenarios I have described here may sound extreme, but they are real situations that have been observed. I felt the need to share them in order to caution others against spoiling or mollycoddling their children or young relatives. How an adult speaks or behaves really does reflect on her upbringing or lack of it. We parents have to think of the long-term consequences of how we treat or teach our children, and what we condone in their speech and behaviour — “Instruct a child in the way he should go, and when he grows old he will not leave it” (Proverbs 22:6).
Instead of mollycoddling, the bible advocates wise and judicious discipline, even a stroke of the cane where necessary — “Do not be chary of correcting a child, a stroke of the cane is not likely to kill him. A stroke of the cane and you save him from Sheol” (Proverbs 23: 13-14). Pampering or mollycoddling a child even when she has said or done something wrong only gives her the message that it is all right for her to say or do whatever pleases her. So as parents, we have to be cruel to be kind — “Of course, any punishment is most painful at the time, and far from pleasant; but later, in those on whom it has been used, it bears fruit in peace and goodness” (Hebrews 12:11).
When we pamper or mollycoddle our child, it is neither good parenting nor love. When we love our child, we should do whatever is judicious, with her long-term well-being in mind. For instance, if we do not want the child to become an attention-seeking adult, we should not pander to the child’s attention-seeking ways. If we do not want her to become self-centred, we should teach her to consider how her speech and actions may hurt the other person’s feelings or overlook the other person’s rights as a human being. In short, “the man who fails to use the stick hates his son; the man who is free with his correction loves him” (Proverbs 13:24). It is our responsibility as parents to guide our children in their speech and behaviour; as we nurture them, we must keep in mind the adults we hope they will become — “Correct your son, and he will give you peace of mind; he will delight your soul” (Proverbs 29:17).